Oh the Weather Outside is Frightful...

Friends it seems that my voice is finally starting to echo around the hallowed halls of the New York Times. That’s right. Check out yesterday’s Op-Ed piece by Friedman (that’s Thomas, not Milton.) He’s finally saying what I’ve been saying all along: it’s up to you, my friends, to make the world a better place. His column should be far out-drawing the talking heads on either extreme that we seem to love so much.

So with Thomas holding up my end of the deal, I can end my political discourse for today and move on to a more seasonal topic: Christmas shopping.

The wife and I headed out for a little shopping on Saturday afternoon and to some degree beat the Thanksgiving-Christmas-Shopping crowd. We browsed along and said things like “that’s kind of nice” when what we meant was “honey, just buy me that while I run over to Starbuck’s.” And we came home with a few bags of presents for the nieces and nephews in our life as well. So a good day altogether.

Many years ago, while Christmas shopping as a child I purchased the “TV duck” for my dad’s present. It was a bean bag duck with a flap. It was designed to sit on the arm rest of the sofa and hold the TV remote control. What could be better? I didn’t realize at the time that it was a novelty gift. As I strolled through Macy’s this past weekend it warmed my heart to see that the tradition of Christmas novelty gifts is as strong as ever.

A couple that I noticed in particular:

• Dallas Cowboy Jenga. That will be going in the stocking of my Pittsburgh based brother-in-law. I expect he’ll use the game pieces as kindling, but it will be fun to imagine his friends thinking him a closet Cowboys fan.
• Dallas Cowboy Yahtzee. Specifically, Travel Yahtzee. It’s just 5 blue dice with silver dots. No score pads (because it’s “travel”.) I suppose it could double as Dallas Cowboy Travel Craps. Mom, check your stocking for blue and silver dice.
• Travel Coffee Cup. Not just any travel coffee cup. It has a temperature gauge on the side and an on/off switch so you can have precisely the right temperature coffee on the way to work. So tell me, at what temperature, exactly, do you like your coffee? Give me a number.
• The Chair Massager. The best thing about these potential gifts is that you can sit down for a quick massage while you’re looking over some ridiculously themed Jenga set.
• Electric football. Remember the old vibrating metal football field and the little plastic men running all over the place? It’s back. Greatest. Christmas. Present. Ever. I’m going to run over to Starbuck’s for a minute…
  

So here’s my philosophy on Christmas shopping: do it all online in August. Then, go to the mall at Christmas time and enjoy it. Do a little ice skating, get yourself a nice holiday latte, and enjoy it while there’s no pressure. You want a real treat? Valet park the car at the mall – you can afford it since you won’t be spending anything on novelty gifts. Then take a look at all those suckers in the inexplicably huge line at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and enjoy being smart enough to read my blog and heed my advice.

Merry Christmas. Wait, Happy Thanksgiving, sorry.

Ricky Bobby? Anyone?

Last Spring I found myself in the all too familiar position of defending NASCAR to my elitist East Coast friends. Why would anyone sit all afternoon to watch cars go around in a circle, they asked. Finally after much to’ing and fro’ing we settled on them admitting there was some skill involved and me admitting that the races should be shorter. Well my friends, I spent this past weekend in the grandstands of the Talladega Superspeedway watching 250 miles of truck racing and 500 miles of big league, left-turn-only, stock car racing.

And it was awesome. It was loud and fast. You feel the rumble in your chest when the pack passes by and hear the whirr of the air guns when they change tires. It is a full-on assault on all five senses and it is awesome. TV doesn’t do it justice. I’m thinking of getting tickets for the race in Texas this weekend…

There were a couple of funny moments, as you can imagine. Paul Menard crashed after only 5 miles of racing bringing out the first caution flag of the day. Several cars entered the pits and changed tires. A man behind me turned to his racing buddy and said derisively “we have cars that can go a thousand miles on a set of tires and these guys are changing them after 2 laps.” Seriously? Yes. And his buddy nodded in agreement. [Note: if you don’t understand why this is absurd, tickets are on sale for next year’s race. You’ll fit right in.]

The crowd was huge. 143,000 chain smokers all in one place. It was like the Marlboro Man had died - well, died again - and gone to heaven. And nobody seems to give a shit that they’re flicking ashes all over the other 142,999 people’s jackets.

There was this little guy in front of me, Jesse, who was jawing back and forth with his buddy all day about who’s driver was better, Denny Hamlin or Kyle Busch. Hamlin blew an engine on lap 137 and you’d have thought Jesse’s dog died. I mean these folks take their racing seriously. Too seriously. I doubt Denny Hamlin was as broken up about it as Jesse. I don't know how Jesse found the will to live.

Regardless, the racing is awesome and I had a fantastic weekend which I wouldn’t trade for much.

I admit that the fans drive me freakin’ crazy, though. Maybe you've heard this from me before, but it’s not just racing fans that do that. I have come to realize that every time I go someplace there’s someone or something in the crowd that really pisses me off. I’m convinced – as I straighten my newly acquired reading glasses – that this may be the truest sign that I’m getting older.

So I say all that to say this: the next time you’re in a crowd, and think you’re not being a horse’s ass, take a look around because you’re probably pissing somebody off.

I just can't help myself...

That’s it. I’ve had it with all these bleepin’-bleepin’ snakes on this bleepin’-bleepin’ plane! The conservative media in this country has officially jumped the shark. They’ve been declining for a while but finally a leather-jacket-wearing-water-skiing Rush Limbaugh has jumped over a big, nasty shark called the NFL.

According to Rush, “This is not about the NFL, it’s not about the St.
Louis Rams, it’s not about me, this is about the ongoing effort by the left in
this country, wherever you find them, in the media, the Democrat Party, or
wherever, to destroy conservatism, to prevent the mainstreaming of anyone who is prominent as a conservative. Therefore, this is about the future of the
United States of America and what kind of country we’re going to have.”

This is about the future of America? Really? It’s not about you Rush? Really? Why don’t you take some responsibility for your negative remarks about the NFL (Donovan McNabb, anyone) and accept that it IS about you. Get it through your ego that maybe you are not everything to everyone. Maybe it is not a vast left wing conspiracy to keep you down – do you really believe you’ve been kept down? Maybe, just maybe the NFL doesn’t want you because of you and not because some cadre of trench-coat-wearing leftists has infiltrated the richest good old boy network in the country.

Rush recently described Obama as a “disaster” and Jimmy Carter as an “utter disgrace” but George W. Bush is “the most decent, down to earth, real man you could ever hope to meet”. Rush is so predictable and so one sided that he has lost 100% of his credibility. Sort of like reality TV.

Pick an issue and I am sure that Rush can concoct a conspiracy story. Chicago didn’t get the Olympics – payback because the world hates Obama who hails from Chicago. Drug wars in Mexico – what did you expect? The Left won’t let them sell drugs in a free market so they kill innocent conservatives in the streets and you’re next. Tsunamis in the Pacific? Obviously the Left is allowing these things to happen so they can swoop in with a big taxpayer funded relief bureaucracy. Can't buy an NFL team? It's the Left, of course.

And Rush is not alone. Mark Levin, another conservative commentator has lost all of his credibility too. He’s a smart guy. He makes some good points. But his criticisms of the Left boil down to calling them Nazis and insulting their physical appearance. It’s like debating with a 4 year old, or a table as Barney Frank might say. He is so predictable and one sided that he too has lost all credibility.

These are serious times and we need serious people. There is a worthy debate to be had around caring for our sick, employing our work force, and sustaining a viable financial system. And there are reasonable solutions – look at the rest of the world, these problems are being solved by smart people everywhere. Is it the best you can do to call people names? Is that all you bring to the table?

Rush and his ilk are simply entertainers now. So before you tell me that Martin Sheen and Alec Baldwin have no business in politics recognize that the leader of the Republican party is one of them. People always fault the “liberal media” but the truth is that the conservative media in this country has devolved from journalism to entertainment. And that’s a shame because there are some smart guys out there who would rather make ratings better than make America better. Idiots.

How green is your valley?

The G8 nations are locking horns on greenhouse gases. Again. At the ongoing meetings in Italy they are failing to reach any sort of consensus on climate change. Again. It all boils down to this: “you big, fancy developed nations can’t sit there now atop all your prosperity and tell us poor, little developing nations that we can’t do exactly what you did to get where you got.” Now to be fair, realize that the poor, little developing nations are China and India. The two most populous nations in the world. One-third of the world citizenship.

Do you want to know why the G8’s can’t agree? Because people don’t care. Well, let me rephrase that. Not enough people care enough. I mean, hey, I care about global warming. But not enough to put off that plane trip for my Tahoe vacation this year. I care about global warming, but not enough to carpool to work. I care about global warming, but not enough to buy goods produced in globally-responsible economies.

Ah. There’s the real currency of climate change. Money. So the China’s and India’s of the world – literally – don’t want to be economically disadvantaged by the cost of climate friendly production. [As a side note, I’m not sure America wanted to be economically disadvantaged by the low cost of labor in China and India, but that’s another blog for another time.] So I say, let the people sort this out.

Specifically, I say you people sort this out. I know that I continually harp on this stark-raving mad idea of personal responsibility and individual action… and here we go again. Let’s say you don't like the way China operates their pollution policy. Stop buying things made in China. Easier said than done, yes, but possible to do. So put your money where your mouth is. If you don’t like poor little orphans in sweatshops making your running shoes, buy different shoes. Rather than try to change the way China or India behaves, change the way you behave. That’s personal responsibility and individual action, baby!

That’s the real inconvenient truth isn’t it? All of a sudden you've got to research the products you buy and the stores you buy them in. Do a little homework. Go out of your way. Well, but you’re already stretched pretty thin. I mean, you’ve got to work all day, get the grocery shopping done, keep the house clean, get the kids to soccer practices and dance recitals. I mean, when are you going to find the time to be environmentally responsible? You’re not. You care more about your job, your groceries, and your kids than you do about whether or not the average world temperature goes up one degree in the next one hundred years. And so does the G8.

So don’t put all this pressure on the G8 to do something that we’re not all willing to do ourselves. If enough of us cared enough, the G8 could spend a little less time disagreeing on climate change and little more time agreeing on other stuff. Like which of them is going to step up to buy the next round of US debt...

It's Arbor Day America

OK, somebody has to do something. It might have to be you and me, but it’s got to be somebody and it’s got to be now. We’re letting partisan buffoonery stand in the way of reason at exactly the wrong time.

Look, we’re facing economic crisis and I don’t mean mortgages, Wall Street, or unemployment. I mean you, me and our children. I mean national debt and I mean taxes. Think about this: my share of the national debt is $37,204 today. So is yours. So is each of your children’s. And it’ll be more tomorrow. And it’ll be more as the $787 billion bailout finds a way to fund itself.

There’s only a couple of ways to get that money. Either take more money in (increase taxes) or pay less money out (cut spending.) It’s really that simple. Honest. So who’s in favor of taking more money in? Taxes anyone? Bueller? I didn’t think so.

President Obama has proposed reviving the PAYGO practices and codifying them into law. (PAYGO basically says that if you want a dollar of spending you’ve got to cut a dollar of spending. Pay as you go. Get it?) Critics run to the right and say he is a hypocrite for requiring fiscal discipline after authorizing trillions in bailout money. I say phooey. The critics cannot simply say “you OK’d $787 billion in bailout so we’re not going to worry about being responsible with the taxpayer dollar either.” That, my friends, is partisan jack-assery getting in the way of your well being. And your children’s well being.

Now I’m not going to stand here in the glow of the old chestnut “I’ve got to live within my means, so why shouldn’t the government?” There are times for deficit spending. Just look at your local governments hamstrung by balanced budget laws. Just when things get tough economically they start raising taxes on you because you insisted they balance their budget. What I’m saying is the time for deficit spending is past. Sooner or later, er, sooner rather than later, we’re going to have to get some financial discipline in Washington.

So let’s take PAYGO out of the context of the bailout and put it into the context of fiscal responsibility. The prudent thing to do now, facing this huge debt, is to cut spending by more than one dollar for each new dollar spent. That’s right. More. I call it Super PAYGO. or SPAYGO. Or SUPAYGO, I'm not really sure yet. But if you want to spend $1 on guns, then cut $1.50 in butter. Raise the bar. Cut the expenses. But how on earth can the government cut, honestly cut, expenses? The same way corporate America does it. Get better at what you do. Streamline. Increase productivity. Nothing incents innovation more than hard times. Turn that spotlight onto the government and make them use your money more efficiently. Easier said than done, yes, but start saying it or it’ll never get done.

I don’t believe PAYGO needs to be a law (remember the hamstrung local governments.) It simply needs to be a practice enforced by our leadership. Don’t pass a bill with irresponsible spending in committee. Or on the House floor. Or the Senate. Or the White House. Don’t require that a law force you to act responsibly – do it yourself that’s why we elected you.

There’s an old adage that says the best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The next best time is right now. Well, same goes for fiscal responsibility in Washington. It is time, America, to plant that tree. It is time before the idiocracy of super partisan politics causes generations of financial hardship. By the way, your share of the national debt went up one cent while you read this. So did your kid’s.

The Spin Cycle

Have you ever given money to church? Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? Which one did you do for the potential (however misguided) financial reward? Lottery ticket. Not church, right? Right.

This week I happened to see a segment on the Christian Broadcast Network. Don’t ask how or why, I just did. It’s apparently pledge drive time at the ol’ CBN and to that end Pat Robertson made quite a promise. Donate money to CBN and you will see financial reward come back to you. He wasn’t talking Heavenly reward. He was talking payday here on Earth. He said that the government will break their promises, people will break their promises, but God won’t. And God is promising financial rewards if you’ll just send in a little cash. He quoted scripture and ran out a few examples. A guy suddenly inherited $10,000 after donating and another miraculously found a job right after he started to tithe. These two, according to Pat, are all the proof you need to whip out that check book and fire off a donation to the largest tele-ministry on earth. Then sit back and wait for the riches to roll in. That’s called spin, baby.

Every so often it’s pledge drive time for public television too. They have great spin. It goes something like this: “if you like what you see, send us some money and we’ll keep showing it.” I enjoy the cooking shows. I like to watch the travel shows and I like the fact that Sesame Street has a spot on the dial. I usually give them money, because I like what I see and want them to keep showing it. Same story with public radio. I love to listen to Car Talk and Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me. I’ll pay for those programs. Here’s my check. If the next NPR pledge drive says “send us some money and you will reap financial rewards” then I’m out because that’s a lie.

So the CBN isn’t getting any of my money. In fact they’re getting a little of my ire for being so deceitful. Donating money to church won’t make you rich. Sorry. Let’s look at the numbers. I go to church with about 1,000 other people. Let’s say 30% of them give money. 300 people giving money. In any given week do you think something good happens to one of those 300 people? Yes it does. Do you think something good happens to one of the 700 who don’t give? You bet. These are independent events people. It is wrong, dare I say sinful, for Pat to stand there in your television set and promise your desperate soul that if you give him your hard earned cash you will get money in return. Shame, shame, shame.

I don’t have a problem with giving money to churches or preachers. In fact, I think faith-based giving plays a bigger role in making the world a better place than it gets credit for. As is the case so often, however, my problem is with the spin. Imagine how much more appealing it would be if Pat said “hey, we do a lot of good in the world. We spread the word of God, we build water wells and school houses in poor nations, we fight disease and starvation. If that’s important to you then send us a check and we’ll keep doing it.” Now you’re talking my language Pat.

I have two little thoughts eating away at my brain, though, as to why Pat doesn’t speak my language. One is that maybe the reality is “hey, we need to make big mortgage payments and buy new Cadillacs but you wouldn’t send us your money if I told you that.” The second is “hey, I know other people’s suffering and our good works don’t move you so I’m looking for the most effective way to separate you from your money.” Do they really know what the Christian part of CBN stands for anymore?

Give me a break

Sometimes you just can’t win. I am Catholic and completely fed up with all these other Catholics getting so upset over a little fiction set against the backdrop of the Catholic Church. Seriously, don’t we have a little more to be worried about?

I’m talking of course about Angels and Demons, the latest Dan Brown book made into a blockbuster movie. Catholics far and wide, well, at least vocal ones, are condemning the film as a “gratuitously outrageous” portrayal of the Church. It has been called “outlandish.” I’ve got another word for it: fiction.

Storytelling has been entertaining people for thousands of years. Whether from cavemen around campfires or modern movie makers, we all want to hear a good tale and be entertained. Would Harry Potter be such a smash if it were about a bunch of normal kids? No. Would you care about Harold and Kumar if they just went out and got a few hamburgers? No. Normal kids and fast food are the stuff of ordinary life. We want to see something extraordinary when we go to the movies.

How do you think the Catholics would like the Church portrayed in movies? I saw a movie a few years ago called The Barbarian Invasions. It’s a pretty misleading title, I’ll give you that, but in one scene the son goes to a Catholic Church in Canada. It’s essentially abandoned. All the statues and other religious things are in the basement in storage because the congregation withered away. That’s a pretty realistic portrayal of today’s Catholic Church in Canada – or so I’m told. Where are the news stories of Catholics saying “See? See? This is the true Catholic Church, The Da Vinci Code is sooooo unrealistic.”

One of these vocal bishops somewhere said that it was irresponsible to stir up anti-Catholic sentiment with this movie. I agree that stirring up “anti” sentiment is bad, but we’re not talking about the Holocaust here. We’re not talking about racial prejudice. We’re not talking about anything new, either. The Catholic Church did plenty to stir up anti-Catholic sentiment by covering up decades of sexual scandals. Don’t blame Ron Howard for that. Perhaps the Church should look in one of those fancy, gold covered mirrors in the Vatican museum and stop pointing the finger at Hollywood.

Let’s not even talk about the Church’s stance on female priests, contraception, and abortion. I’m not saying I disagree with the Church. I’m saying the Church has taken strong positions on these issues and these issues are divisive. That stirs up a lot of anti-Catholic sentiment with or without a new movie.

So I’m excited to go see Angels and Demons. I loved the book. So far it’s been a great movie season with X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Star Trek. Don’t even get me started on these two though, they were sooooo unrealistic…

I'll take what he's having.

I’ve never been suspended in my life. Not from school. Not from work. Not from the ceiling… Manny Ramirez sure has been though. 50 game suspension handed down by Major League Baseball for violating their substance abuse policy. As a result Manny will lose approximately one-third of his $25M salary. So he’ll just have to scrape by on $15 or $16M this year. And he gets his summer off. Sort of like school teachers only rich (and stupid.)


Let me ask you, if you could make $15M and have the summer off, would you view that as a punishment? I wouldn’t. I’m going to have to work every season of every year until the day I die to hopefully put one million in the bank to – ironically enough – retire. And that’s if the stock market rebounds and I manage to keep my job. Now let me ask you this: is Manny really being punished? No, he’s not.


So what in the world do we do with all these cheaters in baseball? Let’s look around. How does Laos deal with drug dealers? Firing squad, that’s how. I don’t know about you, but if I ever fire up a meth lab it’s sure as hell not going to be in Laos. They have a pretty low rate of drug use there too. Curious. But seriously, we can’t kill Manny Ramirez. So let’s look at the athletic equivalent: the SMU football-Mustangs. In the mid-80’s these repeat offenders were dealt the death penalty by the NCAA. Football was cancelled. Twenty years later this once perennial contender for the National Championship plays to empty stadiums in a second tier conference. Hmmm. So I submit to you – as an SMU alum – that SMU was really punished.


So I propose this: Dodgers, because of Manny Ramirez’ violation you forfeit 50 games this year. Sorry. All you Dodger fans who bought season tickets? Sorry. We’ll just cancel those games. Ask the Dodgers for a refund. Sorry Frank McCourt (Dodger’s owner) you don’t get gate revenue for those 50 games. Or parking receipts. Or concession sales. Or TV money. Sorry Dodgers local TV affiliate, you have to show reruns instead of games. And lose advertising money. All because Manny did steroids.


Now think about this: sorry Dallas Cowboys, but Pacman Jones just cost you two games for off-field behavior. Hey New York Yankees, pay attention to what A-Rod’s cousin is bringing him from the Dominican Republic because it might cost you 30 or 40 ball games. Listen up Baltimore Ravens, if Ray Lewis kills somebody again you forfeit the 2010 season. Is anybody going to want to take a chance on Michael Vick? Anybody?


What if the penalty for an athlete’s abuse really affected the team rather than just the guy? And don’t give me any lip about Manny’s absence affecting the team because he can't play blah blah blah. When I say affect the team I mean money-wise. Would the Dodgers have signed Manny if they knew he might cost them 50 games worth of money? No. Would professional teams take on troubled, but talented, athletes if they stood to lose substantial income as a result of that athlete’s indiscretions? No. Would the SMU boosters have paid players if they knew it would cost them their football team forever? No.


In this day and age where professional athletes make so much money that no fine or fee is truly punishment I say punish the owners. The owner put that bad apple on the team. Let's hold him accountable. And then we'll get rid of the dopers and thugs. Could my scheme return us to the days when professional athletes could be role models for kids? Listen up Charles Barkley!

Oldest Trick in the Book

I routinely chide myself for being too fat. However, I realize after watching a full season of “The Biggest Loser” that I am not obese. I can buy clothes off the rack. And I can fit into an airplane seat. In fact, I have a long, long way to go before I can’t fit in an airplane seat. For those who passed that point, though, United Airlines has adopted a policy of charging obese passengers for a second seat.


First of all let me say that I have no problem with what United is doing. Look at it this way, if I want a little extra seat space to put my laptop or my jacket I can’t just take it from the person next to me. If I need that extra space I need to pay for it. That’s the deal. My problem is with the spin.


United said they are adopting this new policy because they received 700 complaints last year. They flew 63,000,000 passengers last year. That’s a pretty low complaint ratio. Exponentially low. At least now we know the magic number for United. If 700 of us band together and complain about our luggage getting lost ... Sheesh. Do they really expect me to believe this?


Airlines have been in the business of charging extra fees for a long time and lately they’ve kicked it up a notch. In the past you had to pay a fee to change your ticket. Then you had to pay if you wanted to talk to a live representative. Then you had to pay for onboard snacks. Then to check a bag. The airlines are making a lot of money off these fees – and good for them, by the way. This fat fee is just another revenue source for the airlines. There’s no principle at stake here other than money. They no more care about 700 complaints than your Congressman does. In fact, United would be perfectly happy if we all went out and put on about 300 pounds. Cha-ching!


It’s sort of like school funding in Texas. Grant me a little latitude here. A couple of years ago our secessionist Governor enacted a plan to improve school funding. He promised to decrease the traditional source of funding – property taxes – and increase corporate and cigarette taxes. You can be sure cigarette taxes went up. I don’t know much about corporate taxes, but oddly enough my property taxes have gone up too. Hmmm.


But that’s a rant for another time. Think about this America. My government has made cigarettes prohibitively expensive increasing price by 200% over 20 years. My government bans advertising cigarettes in mainstream media so nobody will get the idea to start smoking. My government bans smoking from restaurants. My government makes smokers stand twelve feet away from the door in a little designated area like some sort of pariah hoping they’ll give it up and come back to right side of life. My government makes the cigarette companies tell me how bad their product is for me so that I’ll never buy them again. My government just wants me to be healthy and happy, right?


But wait... (you're thinking) ... if Americans stop buying cigarettes who’s going to pay for our schools?


See, the government doesn’t care about your health or the inside of restaurants or outside of doorways. They care about taxes. Also known as Revenue. And this is an easy sell. “You don’t have to pay, America, just those dirty smokers have to pay and they should really quit anyway.”

“You don’t have to pay, America, just those lazy fat people and they should really lose the weight anyway.” Oldest trick in the book.

One Lump or Two?

It’s tea time America. Well, maybe it’s tea party time. This week saw some 300 protests, called Tea Parties, against the Bailout (incorrectly characterized as President Obama’s Bailout.) The party-goers likened themselves to the American colonists who protested taxation without representation. Inspired by our founding fathers, the party patrons threw coolers marked “tea” into the water.

See I can go to the internet and in a matter of minutes I can find out exactly who my state and federal representatives are. They know this because I use the same website to launch emails letting them know my opinion on the issues of the day. And every so often if I don’t like the job that they’re doing I can vote to fire them. And if I think I can do a better job, then I can run for that job myself. So can you. And so can these disgruntled tea tossers. Tell me you don’t like the job your representative is doing. Tell me the guy you voted for lost. Tell me things don’t always turn out like you want. I’ll tell you that’s Democracy. Love it or leave it.

Let’s consider our newly disenfranchised Republicans for a minute. These are the religious conservative, pro business folks who believe that government should get lost. They were so in vogue for the last eight years that many of them forgot it was possible to be anything else. These are the no-tax and spend Republicans who prosper in the times of no regulation and no taxation and complain when they have to live by the rules. It’s only natural that they feel cheated by the system now. They don’t control the system anymore, but it still works the same way. It’s not Fascism because it’s not Republican. It’s all Democracy my friends.

So my impulse is to say “get stuffed you greedy Republicans.” But instead I say “well done you greedy Republicans.” You see these conservatives are many things, but one thing they are not is politically active. Oh sure, they’ll write a check for you and they’ll even show up on Election Day. But they’re not going to hold up a protest sign. That’s a little too much like a labor union. So I’m glad to see they’re finally showing a little activism because here’s the revelation of the day: Democracy doesn’t work if only one point of view exists. Democracy is no accident, it’s not easy, and it requires you to step up and do your part. It’s starting to sound more like America: Live it or leave it.

So we may stand on opposite sides of the Congressional aisle. We may curse each other in the headlines. But there would be no Ali without Frazier.

Oops I did it again...

I can’t help myself. AIG is still in the news and I still want to rant about it. So the AIG leader says that without market competitive bonuses he can’t keep the top talent required to run the company through these rocky times. I say “good, you don’t deserve them.” Let’s not forget that when times were good these guys ruined everything. What makes you think they’re the ones to lead us through the bad times?

Now Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are talking about bonuses too. You can bet they’ll trot out the same old rationale. It’s a safer bet than a mortgage backed security. To that I say “tough”.

(Note: my employer is not being bailed out and did not pay bonuses this year. Maybe we should have applied for some of that bailout money so we could have gotten bonuses.)

Here’s how I see it: bailout equals bankruptcy. Once you’re bankrupt you lose your business even if it keeps running. You have to have a judge’s OK to blow your nose. Your employee unions get broken. Your management gets forced wage cuts. Your pension goes away and million dollar bonuses evaporate. Why? Why is bankruptcy so tough on the employees? Simple: you screwed it up, you’re lucky to stay in business, and this has to be really unpleasant, otherwise you’ll just screw it up again. A bailout should work the same way. Rather than a nice cushy safety net, it has to be so awful that these morons won’t do it again.

Today, the US House of Representatives passed a bill taxing these AIG bonuses at 90%. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard and is really transparent. But if you can establish a practice that says “when you’re bankrupt and/or being bailed out, it will be so awful that you won’t do it again” then we might be on the right track. Not getting huge bonuses gets you started down that road real quick.

Sound too harsh? Maybe but let’s break it down. Suppose you get a new puppy. Every time the puppy has an ‘accident’ in the house you give it a treat. When do you think the puppy will stop crapping on the living room rug? Well, how about when you start rubbing his nose in it instead of giving him Milk Bones. It’s amazing how often things can be solved with the simple notion that it’s just like training a dog.

I get it that bad things happen to good people and these poor AIG executives are just trying to make a living. But… Am I supposed to feel bad for these guys not getting a bonus? Do they feel bad for me not getting one? Do they feel bad for all the people that have lost their homes or jobs? I reckon there are at least 73 unemployed Americans who deserve the million dollars more than the idiots so central to the condition of those Americans being unemployed in the first place. Or we could use the $165 million to fund a few new homeless shelters – we certainly need more of them now thanks to those goofballs.

More importantly, we need to rub these AIG noses in their own shit a few times and if it starts with no million dollar bonuses then so be it. And if they can find someone who will let them keep soiling the carpet then so be that too. But as long as it’s my carpet – which it is – I’d like to start rubbing a few noses (and not in an Eskimo kissing sort of way.)

If I had a million dollars (if I had a million dollars)...

You've seen it a hundred times. A homeless man begs on the street corner holding a sign saying he will work for food, bless you, etc. You hand him the spare change from your ashtray (or is it an accessory tray these days?) Once he collects enough spare change he dashes off to a nearby liquor store for a bottle of fortified wine, gets drunk, and starts all over the next day. You feel cheated and want your money back. Think about it this way:

• Homeless man = AIG
• Spare change = your taxes
• Mad Dog 20 20 = executive bonuses
  

Spare change is becoming less and less spare these days but not for the lucky few who are getting bailed out… our government just handed 73 AIG executives bonuses in excess of $1 million each. Somehow, someway these cats qualified under some sort of plan for $1 million bonuses. Let’s see how that plan might look:

• Did not understand financial markets? Check
• Did not understand risk associated with financial investments? Check
• Proceeded with risky financial investments anyway? Check
• OK, here’s your million bucks.
  

I finished my taxes the other day and qualified for $93 worth of Recovery Rebate. Someone somewhere figured that $93 was a meaningful amount of money to either (a) ease my pain, or (b) get me to buy something.

Ease my pain? I have an IRA at Fidelity that has lost $30,000 in the last 12 months. But $93 in tax credit makes it all better. Really. Thank you. Get me to buy something? Done. $92 last week on a movie (with popcorn) and a live music show (with dinner). Pure discretionary spending – just what the economy needs, right? I have officially done my part for the economic recovery. What’s holding it up? Have the rest of you done your part? Spent your $93?

So 73 AIG executives run the company into the biggest bailout ever and get $1 million (or more) for the effort. They are so successful at failing that no one has ever failed on this scale before. Well, maybe Adam and Eve, but otherwise no one! I, on the other hand, pay my bills and succeed in troubled times by being careful and conservative. I get $93. I could have had a lot more fun being irresponsible if I knew it would lead to a $1 million. A million bucks would really make a difference.

There is one thing the AIG guys got right that our government got wrong. If you’re going to give someone money, make it meaningful. $93 doesn’t cover a month’s worth of cable TV in my house. I was going to the movies whether I got that $93 or not. I just spent $95 on a plumber and $198 on a sprinkler repairman. $180 to tune up a motorcycle. $279 on motorcycle tires. $93 just isn’t enough to change my behavior.

You know how much is enough? Well, let’s start with a million bucks. I would buy a new house (or two given this market), a new car, and new appliances. I would create jobs (hire someone to clean my new houses and cut my new lawns.) I would travel. I would spend $1 million.

All the Democrats who say spending is the key to recovery would love me. All the Republicans who cling to trickledown economics would be thrilled. So give me a million bucks America and I’ll help this economy out.

Seriously, I don’t know a lot about financial markets or the risk associated with crazy investments. Surely that’s worth a million dollars?

It's amazing, that look in your eyes ...

People amaze me every day. But not in a Captain-Sully-landing-an-airplane-on-the-Hudson way. Rather in a Jerry-Seinfeld-what’s-the-deal- with-that way.

It turns out a truck driver in Louisiana tried to trade two kids for a bird. Read that again. Imagine how that conversation went.

“Nice bird.”
“Thanks, you know I’ve always liked your kids.”

Now these are not infant kids, these are 4 and 5 year old kids. What does it cost to adopt an infant? I think it’s in the forty thousand dollar range, right? So if you thought new car values dropped the minute you drive off the lot think again. Maybe they should have just leased those kids so they wouldn’t lose as much on resale. Anyway, I’m not only amazed by the person trading the kids for a bird, but I’m amazed that someone would think “hey, what a great deal, two kids for a bird. I didn't like that bird anyway.” So much as I do when driving around in my car, I’ll give this dude the bird for free.

People amaze me with their beliefs. I’ll be the first to admit that all forms of spirituality have their own brand of hokiness, but black magic takes the cake. It turns out that motorcycle riders in Nigeria are wearing dried melon rinds on their heads instead of helmets. Helmets, you see, are under black magic spells causing the wearer to become drowsy and therefore easier to rob. If my motorcycle helmet made me drowsy I’d be worried about crashing, not getting robbed. In the Congo a riot broke out at a soccer match where fans were convinced that a player was using black magic to influence the outcome. Picture this: you’re at a NASCAR race and Dale Earnhardt Jr. is flying around on a broom shrieking “I’ll get you my pretty.” Cue the flying monkeys and you’ve got yourself one crazy riot. Oh and the amazing police reaction to calm the crowd? That’s right. Start shooting. To be fair, the people in the Congo are probably pretty amazed at how some folks here get hysterical when they see the Virgin Mary’s face in an oil slick.

And finally, how can you not be amazed by the latest octuplet story. Octuplets are so rare that my Microsoft Word spell check dictionary doesn’t even include the word! For those living under a rock the last few weeks, a mother of six had fertility treatments, became pregnant and gave birth to octuplets. She can’t care for them, she can’t feed, them and so on. And so far all we’ve done is heap scorn on her for being so selfish and irresponsible as to want fourteen kids. Now I know it’s not easy to take care of one kid let alone fourteen so I’ve got a solution for this lady: there’s a guy in Louisiana who’ll trade her a bird ...

The Rock Boat IX Report

“Reid Sucks”

Rock Boat IX is officially in the books and let me say that a great time was had by all. For those unfamiliar with the concept, wrap your brain around this: two thousand people, 20 bands, one ship, 5 days. Travelocity Cruise Super Sale has nothing on this deal. Truly the world’s greatest floating music festival. It’s really just Spring Break for adults and you’d be surprised how quickly you devolve from an otherwise respectable life. When was the last vacation where you smuggled booze in your suitcase? When was the last time your plan was to stay up all night and sleep all day? For 5 days? When was the last time you really cared if you wore a cool t-shirt?That’s the Rock Boat.

For the second consecutive year we weren’t able to make one of our ports of call. Who cares? It was cloudy. So what? And windy. It was cold at night. Big Deal. The Rock Boat rocks on. If this were a normal (lame) cruise people would be all upset because they didn’t get to go on some sort of beach comber excursion or hear another steel drum band. When the word came down that we wouldn’t make port on the Rock Boat, band managers broke into a full sprint to make sure there would be more rock on the boat. I reloaded my magic thermos and headed up for the day.

“Big Boobs Scare Reid”

The best times on the Rock Boat can be small moments, usually captured by simple, memorable quotes. Things like “I know I only met him a few days ago but he’s, like, one of my best friends. I feel like I’ve known him for 3 or 4 months” are great. Re-read that one because it’s like an onion. Or “I knew he was really young when he kept saying ‘I love you I love you’”. That one is more like pastry dough. “Guess which one of those *band name intentionally omitted* guys woke up on my floor this morning?” To be clear, those are things I heard, not things I said.

We connected with a lot of friends, drank a lot of booze - a lot of booze - and spent a lot of time laughing. On the Rock Boat, you’re hanging around with your people listening to your music in a scene you can’t get enough of. How much better can it get?

“Reid cries after sex”

Well, if you're lucky, it can get a little better. What’s the cliché? “Sex, drugs, and rock and roll.” There’s plenty of rock and roll on the boat. We talked about drugs last year when certain band members were detained in Jamaica. All that’s left is the sex. Turns out there’s an internet forum dedicated to Rock Boat hookups. There may as well be since there are internet forums dedicated to everything else. So some noob (that’s slang for newbie) starts chatting up this Rock Boat girl in the forum. It was agreed that they would meet on the boat for a little naughty romance. But how would she recognize him? Simple, he would wear a t-shirt with his name across the front proclaiming “I’m Reid”

When he met the girl she was standing among a crowd of 30 veteran Rock Boaters wearing shirts extolling the greatness of Reid. Things like “Reid doesn’t love me – he loves my doggy style” and “I’m carrying Reid’s baby” and “Reid farted” were emblazoned across the chest of many a boater. There should have been one that said “Reid is a good sport” because I think he really was.

So highlights? Lowlights? I know you’re all looking for that hidden gem among the rock – that needle in the Marshall stack, if you will. Well, wait no longer. I have three artists that you need to get to know better:

1. Our old friends from Austin, Wideawake. The music is awesome, the lyrics are great, and the guys are the best. You can’t go wrong. Get a CD, put it in, turn it up and thank me later.
2. Green River Ordinance. If anybody can out-Wideawake Wideawake it might be these guys. They were the breakout band of the Boat and you will hear more from them. So pour yourself a J Wilk Extinguished* and drink it down while you’re listening to a little GRO.
3. Finally, Sam Thacker. Who? Last year I raved about Matt Nathanson. You all said “who?” And now he’s on the flippin’ radio. This year I’m raving about Sam. Now I may or may not have the Midas touch here and I can listen to Nathanson all day and be happy. Sammy’s better.

*equal parts Jack Daniels and Lemonade with Bacardi 151 floated across the top and lit on fire. Then toss in an ice cube

Interesting Times

So which one of you did it? Who offended some ancient Chinese scholar? One of you must have done something because we are certainly living in interesting times. The pages of the calendar have flipped to 2009 and there are a few interesting issues I can’t pass up.

First, this movement afoot to impose a gas tax so that we’ll pay $4 per gallon regardless of the market price of oil. You’re kidding right? Weren’t gas prices a culprit in this whole economic downturn we’ve got on now? Anyway, I was late to this party as the first I’d heard of it was from my mother this morning. Of course I thought she was spouting some crazy Republican spin. But no, there I find in the New York Times, the Washington Post, and on CNN that people are talking about this tax as valid energy policy for the U.S. Seriously. The pro’s say that we’ll reduce dependence on foreign oil, keep our money at home, and support Detroit’s efforts toward fuel efficient vehicles.

OK, let’s talk about reduced dependence on foreign oil. We are, as a nation, addicted to oil. We get that. We don’t care. Nobody cares where the gasoline comes from beyond “the Texaco down the street.” Nobody in the U.S. gives a rat’s *&!# about geo-politics. Nobody. We don’t care about our dependence on foreign oil. We should. But we don’t.

Keep our money at home? Really? So if I’m paying $2 for the gas and $2 for the tax instead of just paying $2 for the gas that I pay today… isn’t my money now going two places, only twice as much of it? Yes, I get that people will consume overall less gas so less money will be going to sponsor terrorism, but we’ll still be sending $2 to the terrorists. Why don’t they just say “we’re going to increase the gas tax because we’ve done such a crappy job on our budget for the last 30 years that we need more money and we finally figured out what Exxon Mobil knew all along: you’ll pay anything for gas because you’re addicted to it.” It’s a mouthful, yes, but how stupid do they think we are?

Third, Detroit makes the cars people want to buy. If you want them to make something else, buy something else. Welcome to the free market my friends. It may not be pretty, but it’s done a good job for the last few hundred years and sooner or later it will sort out those goofballs in Detroit. The problem isn’t that they’re making the wrong cars, it’s that they’re making crummy cars. Go take a look at a Honda Civic, then go take a look at a Chevy Aveo. Now ask yourself, “what the hell is an Aveo?” The Civic is so much better that nobody’s bothered to find out. You want to support Detroit, be my guest, but my prescription is a little different: go buy a new Civic, take it apart, copy it nut for bolt and sell copies. I don’t need a $25 billion bailout just 15 grand for a new Civic.

And to top it all off, the Pro’s say we can ease the burden by giving the money back to Americans as a tax rebate or use it to “protect vulnerable segments” of the economy. Doubletalk. I think the definition of vulnerable needs to be changed. It should be:

Vul•ner•a•ble – adjective – 1: Rich, 2: Poor. Antonym Middle Class.

Alright so I only got to one issue for 2009. But it’s a long year and I have plenty of time to hit the others before we’re ringing in 2010!