If I had a million dollars (if I had a million dollars)...

You've seen it a hundred times. A homeless man begs on the street corner holding a sign saying he will work for food, bless you, etc. You hand him the spare change from your ashtray (or is it an accessory tray these days?) Once he collects enough spare change he dashes off to a nearby liquor store for a bottle of fortified wine, gets drunk, and starts all over the next day. You feel cheated and want your money back. Think about it this way:

• Homeless man = AIG
• Spare change = your taxes
• Mad Dog 20 20 = executive bonuses
  

Spare change is becoming less and less spare these days but not for the lucky few who are getting bailed out… our government just handed 73 AIG executives bonuses in excess of $1 million each. Somehow, someway these cats qualified under some sort of plan for $1 million bonuses. Let’s see how that plan might look:

• Did not understand financial markets? Check
• Did not understand risk associated with financial investments? Check
• Proceeded with risky financial investments anyway? Check
• OK, here’s your million bucks.
  

I finished my taxes the other day and qualified for $93 worth of Recovery Rebate. Someone somewhere figured that $93 was a meaningful amount of money to either (a) ease my pain, or (b) get me to buy something.

Ease my pain? I have an IRA at Fidelity that has lost $30,000 in the last 12 months. But $93 in tax credit makes it all better. Really. Thank you. Get me to buy something? Done. $92 last week on a movie (with popcorn) and a live music show (with dinner). Pure discretionary spending – just what the economy needs, right? I have officially done my part for the economic recovery. What’s holding it up? Have the rest of you done your part? Spent your $93?

So 73 AIG executives run the company into the biggest bailout ever and get $1 million (or more) for the effort. They are so successful at failing that no one has ever failed on this scale before. Well, maybe Adam and Eve, but otherwise no one! I, on the other hand, pay my bills and succeed in troubled times by being careful and conservative. I get $93. I could have had a lot more fun being irresponsible if I knew it would lead to a $1 million. A million bucks would really make a difference.

There is one thing the AIG guys got right that our government got wrong. If you’re going to give someone money, make it meaningful. $93 doesn’t cover a month’s worth of cable TV in my house. I was going to the movies whether I got that $93 or not. I just spent $95 on a plumber and $198 on a sprinkler repairman. $180 to tune up a motorcycle. $279 on motorcycle tires. $93 just isn’t enough to change my behavior.

You know how much is enough? Well, let’s start with a million bucks. I would buy a new house (or two given this market), a new car, and new appliances. I would create jobs (hire someone to clean my new houses and cut my new lawns.) I would travel. I would spend $1 million.

All the Democrats who say spending is the key to recovery would love me. All the Republicans who cling to trickledown economics would be thrilled. So give me a million bucks America and I’ll help this economy out.

Seriously, I don’t know a lot about financial markets or the risk associated with crazy investments. Surely that’s worth a million dollars?