The Rock Boat IX Report

“Reid Sucks”

Rock Boat IX is officially in the books and let me say that a great time was had by all. For those unfamiliar with the concept, wrap your brain around this: two thousand people, 20 bands, one ship, 5 days. Travelocity Cruise Super Sale has nothing on this deal. Truly the world’s greatest floating music festival. It’s really just Spring Break for adults and you’d be surprised how quickly you devolve from an otherwise respectable life. When was the last vacation where you smuggled booze in your suitcase? When was the last time your plan was to stay up all night and sleep all day? For 5 days? When was the last time you really cared if you wore a cool t-shirt?That’s the Rock Boat.

For the second consecutive year we weren’t able to make one of our ports of call. Who cares? It was cloudy. So what? And windy. It was cold at night. Big Deal. The Rock Boat rocks on. If this were a normal (lame) cruise people would be all upset because they didn’t get to go on some sort of beach comber excursion or hear another steel drum band. When the word came down that we wouldn’t make port on the Rock Boat, band managers broke into a full sprint to make sure there would be more rock on the boat. I reloaded my magic thermos and headed up for the day.

“Big Boobs Scare Reid”

The best times on the Rock Boat can be small moments, usually captured by simple, memorable quotes. Things like “I know I only met him a few days ago but he’s, like, one of my best friends. I feel like I’ve known him for 3 or 4 months” are great. Re-read that one because it’s like an onion. Or “I knew he was really young when he kept saying ‘I love you I love you’”. That one is more like pastry dough. “Guess which one of those *band name intentionally omitted* guys woke up on my floor this morning?” To be clear, those are things I heard, not things I said.

We connected with a lot of friends, drank a lot of booze - a lot of booze - and spent a lot of time laughing. On the Rock Boat, you’re hanging around with your people listening to your music in a scene you can’t get enough of. How much better can it get?

“Reid cries after sex”

Well, if you're lucky, it can get a little better. What’s the cliché? “Sex, drugs, and rock and roll.” There’s plenty of rock and roll on the boat. We talked about drugs last year when certain band members were detained in Jamaica. All that’s left is the sex. Turns out there’s an internet forum dedicated to Rock Boat hookups. There may as well be since there are internet forums dedicated to everything else. So some noob (that’s slang for newbie) starts chatting up this Rock Boat girl in the forum. It was agreed that they would meet on the boat for a little naughty romance. But how would she recognize him? Simple, he would wear a t-shirt with his name across the front proclaiming “I’m Reid”

When he met the girl she was standing among a crowd of 30 veteran Rock Boaters wearing shirts extolling the greatness of Reid. Things like “Reid doesn’t love me – he loves my doggy style” and “I’m carrying Reid’s baby” and “Reid farted” were emblazoned across the chest of many a boater. There should have been one that said “Reid is a good sport” because I think he really was.

So highlights? Lowlights? I know you’re all looking for that hidden gem among the rock – that needle in the Marshall stack, if you will. Well, wait no longer. I have three artists that you need to get to know better:

1. Our old friends from Austin, Wideawake. The music is awesome, the lyrics are great, and the guys are the best. You can’t go wrong. Get a CD, put it in, turn it up and thank me later.
2. Green River Ordinance. If anybody can out-Wideawake Wideawake it might be these guys. They were the breakout band of the Boat and you will hear more from them. So pour yourself a J Wilk Extinguished* and drink it down while you’re listening to a little GRO.
3. Finally, Sam Thacker. Who? Last year I raved about Matt Nathanson. You all said “who?” And now he’s on the flippin’ radio. This year I’m raving about Sam. Now I may or may not have the Midas touch here and I can listen to Nathanson all day and be happy. Sammy’s better.

*equal parts Jack Daniels and Lemonade with Bacardi 151 floated across the top and lit on fire. Then toss in an ice cube

Interesting Times

So which one of you did it? Who offended some ancient Chinese scholar? One of you must have done something because we are certainly living in interesting times. The pages of the calendar have flipped to 2009 and there are a few interesting issues I can’t pass up.

First, this movement afoot to impose a gas tax so that we’ll pay $4 per gallon regardless of the market price of oil. You’re kidding right? Weren’t gas prices a culprit in this whole economic downturn we’ve got on now? Anyway, I was late to this party as the first I’d heard of it was from my mother this morning. Of course I thought she was spouting some crazy Republican spin. But no, there I find in the New York Times, the Washington Post, and on CNN that people are talking about this tax as valid energy policy for the U.S. Seriously. The pro’s say that we’ll reduce dependence on foreign oil, keep our money at home, and support Detroit’s efforts toward fuel efficient vehicles.

OK, let’s talk about reduced dependence on foreign oil. We are, as a nation, addicted to oil. We get that. We don’t care. Nobody cares where the gasoline comes from beyond “the Texaco down the street.” Nobody in the U.S. gives a rat’s *&!# about geo-politics. Nobody. We don’t care about our dependence on foreign oil. We should. But we don’t.

Keep our money at home? Really? So if I’m paying $2 for the gas and $2 for the tax instead of just paying $2 for the gas that I pay today… isn’t my money now going two places, only twice as much of it? Yes, I get that people will consume overall less gas so less money will be going to sponsor terrorism, but we’ll still be sending $2 to the terrorists. Why don’t they just say “we’re going to increase the gas tax because we’ve done such a crappy job on our budget for the last 30 years that we need more money and we finally figured out what Exxon Mobil knew all along: you’ll pay anything for gas because you’re addicted to it.” It’s a mouthful, yes, but how stupid do they think we are?

Third, Detroit makes the cars people want to buy. If you want them to make something else, buy something else. Welcome to the free market my friends. It may not be pretty, but it’s done a good job for the last few hundred years and sooner or later it will sort out those goofballs in Detroit. The problem isn’t that they’re making the wrong cars, it’s that they’re making crummy cars. Go take a look at a Honda Civic, then go take a look at a Chevy Aveo. Now ask yourself, “what the hell is an Aveo?” The Civic is so much better that nobody’s bothered to find out. You want to support Detroit, be my guest, but my prescription is a little different: go buy a new Civic, take it apart, copy it nut for bolt and sell copies. I don’t need a $25 billion bailout just 15 grand for a new Civic.

And to top it all off, the Pro’s say we can ease the burden by giving the money back to Americans as a tax rebate or use it to “protect vulnerable segments” of the economy. Doubletalk. I think the definition of vulnerable needs to be changed. It should be:

Vul•ner•a•ble – adjective – 1: Rich, 2: Poor. Antonym Middle Class.

Alright so I only got to one issue for 2009. But it’s a long year and I have plenty of time to hit the others before we’re ringing in 2010!